Act 2, Scene 38: “I Hate Oak Trees”

It’s holiday party time and S and TRL are invited over to a neighbor’s for a cocktail party. Amid the wine, vodka, gin, cheeseballs, olives, nuts, while trying his best to be sociable and suppressing the constant thought ‘I am in an Updike Rabbit novel,” TRL makes small talk with George the accountant from down the block. Amid recent snow, George inquires about TRL’s gutters.

Icicles are hanging all over them, answers TRL.

Oh, that could be a sign of blockage. Did you clear the gutters this fall?

Clear the gutters, muses TRL. How would you do that?

Get up there and clear ‘em off.

Oh, OK. How would I get up there?

With a ladder.

It’s pretty high up.

You need a long ladder.

OK, says TRL.

It’s the trees, says George.

The trees?

Yup, they clog the gutters. Especially the oaks. I hate oaks.

Hate oaks?

I like trees but hate oaks. We have them all over our yard. They drip sap all summer. I’m now allergic to them.

Oh.

They make me wheeze. And they drop leaves all over the place, especially onto the roof.

Not good, says TRL.

Not good, verifies George. Those oaks really drop’em. In the summer you have the sap. In the fall you have the leaves. Then late fall the acorns come down.

Yes they do, confirms TRL.

Which means the squirrels come out and bury the acorns to get ‘em soft.

So that’s how you get acorns soft, thinks TRL. Who knew?

And then the squirrels dig up the yard all winter to get at the acorns. George shakes his head. I hate those damn oaks.

TRL nods. Damn oaks, he says neighborly.

I wouldn’t have bought the house if I knew about the oaks, George says, looking down at his feet and shaking his head in resignation.

Tough break, says TRL. You should kill ‘me. Cut ‘em all down.

George looks up, a twinkle in his eye. I should get rid of them, he answers.

Trees are the enemies of the home owner, decides TRL. Maybe they were angry, he thinks, and trying to get back for all the trees cut down to make room for the houses.