Act 2, Scene 28: "Evil Neighbor II"

The neighbor across the street is a nutty, neurotic, work-at-home web developer, and a stand-up guy. He and his wife R have a 4 month-old boy. Next door, to the right, is the new now Evil Neighbor. The one who blows leaves onto TRL’s lawn. He will be dealt with. Next door, on the other side of the house, is Retired Baby Boomer neighbor. A husband and wife team who keep their house up nicely, get visits from the kids and grandkids, are living the good golden years before they become the not-so-good brown years (nursing home life) prior to descending into the black years (eternity).

And then there is the mystery house. Next to N, diagonally across the street from TRL, these people are the Ghost Neighbors. The drive incredibly fast into their driveway and hurry into the house. They turn off all the lights on Halloween (making them the Antisocial Very Bad Indeed Neighbors). They never came over to introduce themselves when N moved in, and didn’t congratulate him on the birth of his son.

One day, S and TRL are pushing the boys in the jogging stroller and go by the house as a car comes in. TRL and S wait for the car door to open to say hi and introduce themselves. But the guy picks up his cell phone and sits talking, or at least, thinks TRL, pretends to talk. He then slithers out of the car with the phone glued to his ear and heads straight for the front door. He doesn’t make any indication that S or TRL or their absolutely adorable children exist. These people suck.

And TRL now has a theory. He is taking a short walk in the early evening, going past the Ghost Neighbors house when a car flies in. TRL stands at the head of the driveway, forcing a hello. A man, or maybe a woman,– it is dark and happens so fast – emerges from the car and runs to the front door, quickly opening it and sliding in. This person is avoiding TRL. The lights in the house oddly remain off. What is going on, thinks TRL?

And then he decides: these people are in the witness protection program. It is the only reasonable explanation for their ugly antisocial behavior. For while there were many, many neighbors TRL never met while living in various apartment buildings in NYC, that was to be expected. When one is living stacked in small boxes one on top of the other, a certain privacy is necessary. It is urban decorum. But out here in the suburbs, people are supposed to be friendly. It is a selling point. And neighbors are supposed to be helpful. Neighborly. It’s where the word comes from. And yet these people were anything but. So they must be in the witness protection program.

Or, thinks TRL, maybe they are ghosts.