Act 4, Scene 20: “Lessons in Being a Man”

Fried salami, strippers, and a marathon TV session of Cops and The Family Guy…

It's boys' night!

S is away on business, and it's time for TRL to let loose and begin teaching C and E the gentle arts of manly sloth. And what says lazy man better than parking in front of the TV with a mound of crispy meat? The meat has already been slaughtered, prepared and packaged. It just needs a little heat. And the TV practically drives itself.

For exercise, there is the promise of college-age strippers knocking on the front door. The boys love meeting new people, and so does TRL. A short walk to let them in, and dessert is here, boys.

TRL believes parenting is not only about the easy things – loving and playing with your child – but also about teaching. If we don’t educate the next generation, who will?

Act 4, Scene 19: “Perfectly Happy”

C and E sit at the table, enjoying their macaroni and cheese lunch. E turns to TRL. “Daddy, I want to be just like you.”
Finally, after three years, after sleepless nights, near-constant clean-up mode, the illnesses, the arguing, the fits, the loading in cars and taking out, the food preparation, the incalculable energy expenditure, finally, finally, finally… the pay off. The kid wants to be just like his old man.

A warm feeling suffuses TRL. He is in love with his son, in love with parenthood, in love, let’s face it, with himself.

“Daddy, I want to be just like you.” TRL is on cloud nine. He has clearly done something right. Nobody before has ever wanted to be like him.

Certainly not ex girlfriends. In fact, many didn’t even want TRL to be like TRL.

Certainly not S, who loves TRL but certainly sees room for modification and improvement.

Even TRL has his doubts about himself.

Perhaps TRL’s mommy, who is a big fan of TRL, but TRL doesn’t feel like he earned that admiration. More like something he was born into.

But here was a little being who had his heart set on being just like TRL. Because TRL was perfect in his eyes. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. The whole package was there for E. And for this moment in time, at least, it made TRL feel perfect.

Act 4, Scene 18: “Coxsackie Anyone?”

TRL walks into daycare with C & E.

“Good morning C and E,” says their teacher Miss Betty.

And to TRL: “There has been a Coxsackie virus exposure.”

“Huh?” says TRL, who has not yet had his coffee and who has been driving behind school buses for the last 30 minutes. Has he just entered the Hot Zone?

“Coxsackie,” she repeats. “Hand and foot disease.”

Now TRL feels like a missionary entering some remote jungle station.

“They may get a fever, and white patches on their tongue and hands.”

“What?” exclaims TRL, hanging up C and E’s jackets as they run off to play with paints.

And then he sees a handwritten note above the sign-in sheet: “There has been a Coxsackie Virus exposure.”

“Who’s started this?” TRL peppers the teacher. He wants the dirty disease vector identified. And an explanation as to why his or her parents' could be so unclean and inconsiderate as to expose the whole school.

“Well, ahh,” she stammers, “once symptoms start it’s not contagious. So we don’t know, but it’s going around. But it only lasts for a few days.”

“Going around,” simmers TRL, who picks up a container of Purell he notices on a shelf and gives it a good squeeze to cover his hands.

“They may get a slight fever,” adds the teacher.

TRL growls. “What dirty little bugger has infested us all. Errrrrr.”

“Where’s Maya?” asks C. Maya is the boys' best friend at school.

“Yes, where is Maya?” says TRL.

“She’s out,” mutters the teacher.

TRL kisses and hugs the boys. Maya, dirty little Typhoid Maya, he mutters as he swings through the doors into the sunshine. “Grrrrr.”

Act 4, Scene 17: “Putting Doggy Daddy to Sleep”

Doggy Daddy licks the boys’ faces and gently bites at their soft lovely flesh. He rolls around with the boys and yelps with joy. But E nipped C on his hand yesterday, and today E bites C on the cheek, not drawing blood but leaving thick teeth marks and the beginning of a big bruise. For E has learned from Doggy Daddy that we bite when we are excited. But E’s control over bite depth is not as refined as Doggy Daddy’s. Puppy see, puppy do. So to Doggy Daddy’s sadness, it is time to be sent to the pound, never to nip, roll, lick and yelp with the boys, least they get the wrong message and continue to use each other as chew toys. Bark bark yelp yelp mrrrr mrrrrr Womp.