Monday, March 19, 2007

Act 4, Scene 12: “Lose Weight, No Exercise, Guaranteed”


TRL has discovered the ultimate weight loss program for busy parents. Begin with twin three-year-olds (or substitute any combination of young children). Add the usual life pressures over money, work, home management. Now ratchet up the activity of the kids. Add a combination cold/flu you caught from your wife via your kids. And now the killer app (or more appropriately, app killer): a sinus infection.

You are smacking yourself on the head thinking “why didn’t I think of that?” Well, you didn’t. TRL did, when he realizes he lost three pounds over three days as he contemplates sawing his head off as the adorable and musically-inclined E insists on blow-screaming into his lovely plastic flute. And C, not to be outdone, keeps perfect beat with his plastic drum stick on the wood floor while shaking his big green maraca (special note to the in-laws: thanks for the musical instuments).

TRL croaks a “please stop” from his perch on the big chair. But S is making dinner and doesn’t hear. And to C and E, that is just audience appreciation.

TRL moans and holds his head in his arms. Tylenol, azithromycin, Afrin, and pseudoephedrine onboard. And still the pain. But, he realizes, he has eaten nothing but a saltine or two and a few scoops of Jell-O over the previous few days. And has lost weight. No exercise, no appetite, no effort, no problem.

He is calling his new diet book the South Beach Sinus Infection Diet. If you don’t have a sinus infection, he will send you one. And if you don’t have kids of your own, he will send you two.

Call now for your copy. Operators are standing by.

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